As if paroled sex-offenders didn’t have a hard enough time, bored mothers up in Maryland have decided that come this Halloween, many a pervert will be sitting on the bench.  That is, they won’t be allowed to lovingly dole out any miniature Baby Ruth’s and Mr. Good Bars.  The state of Maryland has already mailed out over 2,000 signs that declare “No Candy at This Residence” to the homes of the parolees.  In addition to scotch-taping these signs to their front door, the sex-offenders must pinky-swear to turn off all their lights and refrain from any trick-or-treating festivities.  Exactly which activities this ultimatum forbids is up in the air, but stomping out flaming bags of golden retriever shit comes to mind.  If any unlucky child-molester (is there another sort?) disobeys any of these trick-or-treat edicts, they will be charged with a parole violation and probably thrown back in jail.  To run the numbers, there are around 4,700 convicted sex offenders living in the great state of Maryland (which ironically was once called ‘the catholic haven’), but the state has only issued 2,000 signs.  That’s because the other 2,700 have finished their sentence and are free to give out as many treats as they see fit.  Good for them.

This may sound stupid, but to delve deeper here can be both beneficial and pleasurable.  Let’s take a look at that sign.  Beyond being an absurd and inconsequential piece of flotsam from the paternalistic society that brought you D.A.R.E. and Sarah Palin, it’s just plain problematic.  It’s problematic from many standpoints; from semiotics to that greased whore of logic: reverse psychology.  Ok, so,

No Candy at this Residence

Now, I grew up in a rich neighborhood where most children were either diabetic or ruled by quasi-fascist health nuts.  Because of this, candy wasn’t the gold standard of Halloween as much of a consolation prize.  Quite simply, we were in it for the benjamins.  Who cares about candy, anyway?  You can just buy that at school.  We were after two-dollar bills.  To equate Halloween with candy alone is short-sighted, demeaning, and just plain wrong.  Perhaps we can change it to “No Treat,” or perhaps “No Reward,” or maybe, if you want to be an asshole, “No Symbolic Gesture of the Commodification of Childhood Rituals in Residence.”  The last one is the most critically sound, but it contains so many big words that the little ones would have to climb onto the porch and press their virginal faces up against the glass in order to read it; problematic in that they surely would promptly be grabbed and molested.

Then there is the question of the word “residence.”  Residence, I’m sure we all have seen by now, is a big word.  And like many big words, it will soar over the heads of children like so many fly balls.  It also exposes a disparity between stated and intended meaning.  It needs to be changed.  One doesn’t want to trick or treat at a residence.  No, only a home will do.  However, it would be quite to the jump to say that these paroled pederasts live in a home.  A home implies love, truth, and commitment to the community.  Recently deceased Dione Warwick had it right with “A House is not a Home.”  And neither is a residence.  One more thing, are there actually any more homes in Maryland?  Last I checked, a home required a homeowner, and what with the mortgage crisis being what it is…

So our new, better sign should read:

No Treats in Home

It’s clear, to the point, and even the slowest trick-or-treaters should get the message.  But in providing clarity for the children’s developing minds, Maryland has opened the stupidest Pandora’s box of all: child psychology.  Children are fascinated with the idea of negation.  Given the prevalence of Opposite Day, “No Treats in Home” seems like nothing more than a dangerous exercise in reverse psychology.  If you were a 5th grader confronted with a darkened house and a sign explicitly stating that there was N-O, no, definitely not any candy within, what would you honestly do?  Exactly.  You would sneak in and take a look-see.

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